My YTT Experience
September 15, 2022 I signed up for my first yoga class post giving birth to my daughter. It was also my first in-person class since COVID. My daughter was 4 months, and I had just started work after my maternity leave…so I was going through it. I was unsure about all my decisions. Decisions about my career, maintaining my marriage, treat a diaper rash, make sure my baby was getting enough milk. It wasn’t so much that I thought I was doing anything wrong, but I wanted to be better. I felt like there was no time to waste, no time available to make too many mistakes. I was also consumed with all things being a mother. In some ways this is great, but in other ways not as much. I only thought of myself in reference to my daughter. I ate healthier because I wanted to have good immunity for my daughter, I went back to work because I wanted my daughter to see me being a working woman. I was trying to exclusively be a mom, while my old self was begging for my attention as well. Then there was the relationship with my body. Ooof, how do I even keep this concise? Like whiplash I would switch between having an incredible respect and awe for what my body has done for me, and then feeling completely disconnected and embarrassed by it. Working out was hard because I wasn’t proud of how my body looked, and would get distracted and impatient. It became less painful to just try and ignore it, there are million things to do with a 4 month old.
Yoga was something that always helped me through all the emotions, so I found a studio near my apartment, told my husband I needed him to be alone with the baby for an hour, and I went to a class. I got out of the house, I moved my body, I listened to music, I meditated, and most importantly I filled my own cup that day. I went from having too much anxiety to stray too far from my apartment, to taking a class multiple times a week. I found support in both teachers and students, and slowly but surely developed a larger respect for my body and gained patience in the process. The studio I was going to the most, Arise Yoga, posted information on their upcoming teacher training with teachers whose classes I had taken and really moved me. It became the very similar story of “should I do this?”, “am I good enough at yoga?” “Do I have the time and money to do this?”. Not to even mention the fact that I would need to be away from my daughter on the weekends, and I could be barely leave her for 20min to go to the store…but I signed up anyway, and you know what? I was fucking excited about it, right away. Was I horribly scared as well? Definitely. But there was something very strong in me that knew even if I failed, couldn’t hack it, was too scatter brained to do the homework, too tired to show up to class…I HAD to do it. At some point I would HAVE to take a next step, and whenever that step was, it was going to be hard as all hell. Why not do it now in a supportive and healthy setting?
The next 4 months I spent my weekends going to class and doing homework. One of the best things about a YTT, is that you can grow a much deeper connection with yoga then you do in a 60min class. Even if you do a class everyday, the philosophy, history, and anatomy can only be spoken about so much. It was beautiful to learn about the whole scope of the practice, and embody the responsibility to share that with others. I was reminded of the strength of my body and mind. I was surrounded by a group of truly brilliant people, who somehow knew exactly how to hold space and love for each other from day 1. When graduation came, I was able to hold hands with these people, and be genuinely proud of what we’ve done. Oddly enough, the most surprising takeaway was that I wanted to teach. I knew I could have gotten a lot from the training and never teach a day in my life…but as the training went on, I not only became more excited by the idea, but I could also acknowledge that I definitely have the skillset to do so. I thank my teachers for that, Tonie Warner, Quamay Sams and Jillian Schiavi.
The rewards from doing this training will last me a lifetime, and I’m SO excited to see what ideas and opportunities come from it. I am better and stronger mother, a more empathetic partner, and empowered woman. I am still tired all the time, and I often still wonder if I will be handle all the goals I have for myself and my family. That fear might always be there…but I can think back on this time, and at least have one example of me adding a ton to my plate, and coming out exactly where I wanted to be.
I’ll always be a student, but I’m happy to say I’m now also a teacher.
